My wife lost all her credit cards, but I'm not going to report it. Whoever found them spends less than she does.

When you become senile, you won't know it.

When I was a boy, my mother wore a mood ring. When she was in a good mood it turned blue. In a bad mood, it left a big red mark on my forehead.

Time is the best teacher, unfortunatly it kills all the students.

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

The first sign of a nervous breakdown is when you start thinking your work is terribly important.

The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool.

When woman go wrong, men go right after them.

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

Whoever said nothing is impossible, never tried slamming a revolving door...

Josh: I don't think they're really FBI!
Drake: Ya think?