TV Show Quotes :: The Simpsons Quotes

My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star.

Me fail English? That's unpossible.

I seem to have misplaced my pants.

Marge, I'm pulling an all nighter for my little girl. Put on a pot of coffee, drink it, and start making burgers

Marge I'm going to be working all night. Make some coffee, drink it, then start making burgers.

There are a lot of little tricks to it, things you should have learned a long time ago. Such as, if you leave milk out, it can go sour. Put it in the refrigerator, or, failing that, a cool wet sack. [later]...And put your garbage in a garbage can, people. I can't stress that enough. Don't just throw it out the window.

Stupid babies need the MOST attention.

Little Girl: Unky Moe?

Moe: [trying hard to maintain himself] Whaaat...is it, sweetheart?

Little Girl: My sodie is too cold. My teef hurt!

Moe: [mock sympathy] Oh, your teef hurt, huh? Your teef hurt!? Well that's too freaking bad! You hear me? I'll tell you where you can put your freaking sodie too!

Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such public service videos as 'Designated Drivers: The Lifesaving Nerds' and 'Phony Tornado Alarms Reduce Readiness'. I'm here today to give you the skinny on shoplifting, thereby completing my plea bargain with the good people at Foot Locker of Beverly Hills. [scene switch] Shoplifting began here, in ancient Phonecia. Thieves would literally lift the corner of a shop in order to snatch the sweet, sweet olives within. Oh, Shakazaramesh, will you never learn.

Todd: Oh boy grandma!

Ned: We're not going anywhere.

Todd: But you said-

Ned: Sometimes to keep from hurting someone's feelings you have to say things that aren't exactly -

Rod: Lies make baby Jesus cry.

Rod: Look daddy I'm the jealous jockey.

Todd: I'm a torso!

Burns: Hey, I wonder if this Homer Nixon is any relation.

Smithers: Unlikely sir. They spell and pronounce their name differently.

Burns: Bah, schedule the game and I'll ask him myself.

Skinner: Uh excuse me, is there an Orange Julius stand on this floor?

Hutz: I'll sell you this one. It's almost full.

Skinner: Well, why don't I drink out of a toilet bowl?

Hutz: He'll be back.

Deep down inside you secretly long for a coldhearted Republican to lower taxes, brutalize criminals and rule you like a king!

Ahrr, this picture will serve me well on those lonely nights at sea.

Come for the freak, stay for the food.

Thanks Marge, when my husband left he took all our power tools along with the car, my youth, my faith in mankind. Well, seeya.

Coach: Up and atom!

Rainier: Up and at them!

Coach: Up and atom!

Rainier: Up and at them!

Coach: [annoyed] Up and atom!

Rainier: [louder] Up and at them!

Coach: [covers his eyes] Better.

That was perfect! Let's do it again.

[Nelson, Ralph, and Martin watch a man paint black patches on a white horse]

Martin: Uh, Sir, why don't you just use real cows?

Painter: Cows don't look like cows on film. You gotta use horses.

Ralph: What do you do if you want something that looks like a horse?"

Painter: Ehh, usually we just tape a bunch of cats together.

Stand behind the yellow line! You will now receive your Christmas presents donated by the Port Authority lost and found office.

Well, that tears it. Until you get a license and wear your own underwear, mister, you are suspended without pay!

Patty: Any questions?

Otto: Yeah, one. Have you always been a chick? I mean I don't want to offend you, but you were born a man weren't you? You can tell me, I'm open minded.

Hey, this thing's pretty gnarly. I bet you could throw a dead body in there, and no one would eeeeever find it.

Rod: Daddy, what's the red stuff coming out of kitty's ears?

Ned: Uh, that's, that's just, er, raspberry jam.

Todd: Dad, should I poke Rod with a sharp thing like the mouse did?

Ned: No, son. No sirree, bob.

I like your attitude. Feisty, yet spineless.

That's right. The year is 1965, and you and I are undercover detectives on the hot rod circuit. [puts on helmet] Now, let's burn rubber, baby!

Damn it Smithers, this isn't rocket science, it's brain surgery!

Oh Smithers, I was wrong to play God. Life is precious - not a thing to be toyed with. Now take out that brain and flush it in the toilet.

I could crush him like an ant. But it would be too easy. No, revenge is a dish best served cold. I'll bide my time until... Oh, what the hell. I'll just crush him like an ant.

Announcer: At Moe's, we serve good old-fashioned home cooking deep fried to perfection.

Moe: Now that's Moe like it! So bring the whole family. Mom, Dad, kids -- er, no old people. They're not covered by our insurance.

Moe: Why don't you try...Moe's hobo chicken chili. I start with the best part -- the neck -- and then I add secret hobo spices.

Marge: Ooh. Tres bien.

Ooh, sorry, kid, sorry. I'm not used to the laughter of children. It cuts through me like a dentist drill. But no, no, that was funny, that was funny taking away my dignity like that, ha ha ha.

Moe: Oh, boy! The deep fryer's here. Heh heh, I got it used from the navy. You can flash-fry a buffalo in forty seconds.

Homer: Forty seconds? But I want it now!

Moe: Oh, everybody is going to family restaurants these days, tsk. Seems nobody wants to hang out in a dank pit no more.

Carl: You ain't thinking of getting rid of the dank, are you, Moe?

Moe: Ehh, maybe I am.

Carl: Oh, but Moe: the dank. The dank!

Bob is no maniac. He explained his reasons for trying to kill us all and I assure you they were perfectly sane.

Martin Prince: Bart, if she breaks up on you, steer away from the grandstands or else you might kill hundreds of innocent spectators. Bart, what did I just tell you?

Bart: Kill spectators.

Marge: Grampa, could you do something?

Grampa: I can dress myself.

Marge: You speak English!

Kang: I am actually speaking Ryglian. By an astonishing coincidence both of our languages are exactly the same.

Mrs. Bouvier: "If you pinch your cheeks, they'll glow. A little more, try to break some capillaries, dear."

Marge: "Couldn't we use just rouge for this?"

Mrs. Bouvier: "Ladies pinch. Whores use rouge."

Prayer. The last refuge of a scoundrel.

Lisa: I propose to you that your heir need not be a boy. In this phalacentric society of ours-

Burns: I don't know what phalacentric means, but no girls!

Mr. Simpson don't you worry, I watched Matlock in a bar last night. The sound wasn't on, but I think I got the gist of it.

Mr. Simpson, was that you taking that cowardly dive into that display of heavily salted snack treats?

And with the prime suspect cleared and found completely innocent, we must now ask ourselves: who could possibly be as bloodthirsty as Waylon Smithers?

Oh you look lovely this evening. Have you decreased in mass?

We have recreated the most common spawning locations of your species. You may chose either the backseat of a Camaro, an airplane bathroom, a friend's wedding, or the alley behind a porno theater.

Your superior intellect is no match for our puny weapons.

Holy flirking shnit!

You have a lovely friend there, Let's hope something runs over her.