TV Show Quotes :: Late Night with Conan O'Brien Quotes

Gay men will not be allowed to marry each other, but will still be welcome to marry Liza Minelli.

Ruben Stutter will lose 200 pounds when he misplaces his 200 pound bag of bacon.

Due to the success of the 'Anna Nicole Smith' show, the E! network creates a similar program starring a bloated body found in the east river.

People who said Nicholas Cage and Lisa Marie Presley's marriage wouldn't last a lifetime are proven wrong when the couple dies during a high-speed race to divorce court.

After their recent appearance on the MTV Video Music Awards, Guns 'n Roses will be forced to change their name to 'Chubby McGoo and the guys who aren't Slash'.

Bandits will attack Queen Elizabeth. To save her life she will have to call on the knights sworn to defend her-Elton John, Mick Jagger and Paul McCartney.

Players will play, but umpires will strike leaving baseball games up to the honor system. While cheating rampantly, the Mets will still lose 100 games.

Liza Minelli and her husband will indeed adopt a baby, however people will begin assuming it is their biological child when the baby begins popping tranquilizers in gay bars.

Tired of being the subject of dirty limiricks, the old man from Nantucket will move to a new town called 'Coral Sex'.

Justin Timberlake and American Idol's Justin Guarini will join forces on a hit single entitled 'Just Intolerable'.

Rather than waste time with an office visit, Christina Aguilera will send her gynecologist a copy of her latest video.

With the advent of high-definition television, home viewers will see actors with extreme clarity and detail. Thus they will demand the stars of "Sex and the City" change their names to "The Golden Girls".

For the first time in our nation's history African-Americans will ask to be called 'Africans' in an effort to completely distance themselves from the show 'American Idol'.

In an effort to make it more exciting, Daylight Savings Time will be renamed Daylight Awesome Time.

Madonna will launch a worldwide tour of over 200 cities. Not to perform songs from her new album, but to apologize for the movie, 'Swept Away'.

With the release of Mel Gibson's 'The Passion of the Christ' the suffering of Jesus will finally be seen the way God intended, in air-conditioned comfort with nachos and a cherry coke.

The WB will air a hip hop version of the Bachelorette; it will be called, 'The Beotchelorette'.

Michael Jackson dies and leaves his body to science; specifically, to an all boys 7th grade science class.

Kids with gay parents will get their first classic children's book when Dr.Seuss' 'Hop on Pop' is updated and retitled 'Chad on Dad.'

Auto experts in Detroit will descern that the reason SUVs roll over so often is that they want oral sex.

Howard Dean will win the Democratic presidential nomination proving that in national politics a white Protestant man can prevail against a black man, a Jew, and a creepy elf.

Ghandi will contract mad cow disease when he gets mad at that cow Hillary Clinton. Oh my Ghandi!

Americans will be enthralled when 'Survivor' joins forces with 'The Apprentice' and 16 people see how long they can look at Donald Trump's haircut without laughing.

Coffee producers will no longer advertise that their coffee beans are hand-picked by Juan Valdez when it's discovered that Juan also hand-picks his recurring cold sore.

Taking a cue from George Foreman, Al Sharpton will develop his own grill that actually shames and bullies the food into getting more brown.

Webster's Dictionary will replace the term orgasm with the more accurate 'I-hope-she-doesn't-know-I'm-thinking-about-her-friend-gasm.'

Facing huge legal fees stemming from charges of child molestation, Michael Jackson will sell his Neverland Ranch. Unfortunately, he will sell it to the Catholic Church.

Pete Rose goes on national television to admit for the first time that he bet on the Reds. Not the Cincinnati Reds, he bet that the Soviets would win the Cold War.

The New York Yankees will win the World Series, but they will be disguised as Houston Astros.

The Jerry Springer Hotel Porno tape is finally released, and the public learns a horrible truth: Jerry can only climax while being hit over the head with a chair.

Pigs will convert to Orthodox Judaism but, shockingly, will begin eating pork.

It will take birds a full day to eat and digest their meals when worms begin taking Viagra!

Computers will finally be able to simulate human feelings. Unfortunately, the only one they choose to act on is 'horny.'

The presidential campaign turns into a runaway with the emergence of a dynamic and energetic new candidate: Bob Dole's penis.

Mothers will no longer call for 'time-outs' when disciplining their children, but instead will use the more accurate phrase 'Now go sit in a corner and shut your hole while Mommy has a drink.'

New research in geometry will result in the renaming of several familiar shapes. New Year's Eve in New York will be celebrated in Times Oval, and teenage boys everywhere will participate in rhombus jerks.

Thanks to new telephone technology, call waiting will no longer involve hearing a little click, but rather, feeling a little tongue.

Pornography finally gets accepted into the mainstream when the Academy Award for Best Actor goes to Long Dong Hanks.

During his last days in office, while enjoying a hamburger President Clinton accidentally eats his own hand. Moments later, he eats his other hand. Only this time... it was no accident.

A dolphin trainer at Sea World will shock the audience by getting down on one knee and asking his dolphin to marry him. The dolphin will say no, not because the man is human, but because he's not Jewish.

Marlon Brando will go on on a crash diet and lose 235 pounds, thereby earning himself the nickname 'Fatass.'

The lamb shall lie down with the lion. The lion shall lie down with lamb. And Max Weinberg will try to get in on the action.

A new state will be added to the American flag, representing the 51st state. That state's name? Rock n Roll!

For security reasons, the government will declare it illegal to say numbers out loud. And the singing of numbers will be punishable by death.

Years of sophisticated testing will prove that the stain on Monica Lewinsky's dress is actually mustard. Mustard from the head of Bill Clinton's penis.

Conan O'Brien's book about his own sexual escapades will be banned by school boards not for explicite descriptions of sex, but for inaccurate descriptions of sex.

In a legendary marketing blunder, Kellogg's will replace the two scoops of raisins in Raisin Bran with two scoops of Milton Berle.

Gillette develops its sharpest razor yet. The first blade shaves your beard, while the second blade shaves your other beard.

When it is discovered that it takes exactly 437 licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop, it will be announced that science is officially over.

Corn on the cob will be viciously mugged by corn on the crack pipe.