I have finally attained the rank of "Captain". I am satisfied.
"THE KAPPTIN" was born of a peasant mother stowed away in the hold of a pirate ship. Father: unknown. His mother was found and killed by the pirates' viscous leader when she was caught noisily giving birth.
However, the "lil' kapptin," as he soon came to be known, was spared by the vicious pirates - he was just too cute - and raised as one of their own.
Eventually, the "lil" was dropped from his name, as it sounded stupid (it would be replaced by "the"), and later, the name was shifted permanently to the upper case.