Sidnaceous (DISABLED ACCOUNT)

Birth

Three twenty-five p.m., 23 December 1987. Ward C at the Swan District General Hospital. Sidnaceous is being held upside down by one ankle. A doctor is slapping his rear to encourage him to take his first breath. A nervous trainee nurse is also in the delivery room. She is coping reasonably well until she notices Sidnaceous' hair is green. The ear-piercing scream that bursts from the girl's mouth confirms that she's made the wrong career decision. The doctor is so startled that he proves incorrect the theory that males can only do one thing at a time by,

shouting out '#*#$!^*',
jumping,
farting,
falling down and
letting go of Sidnaceous' ankle.

Five. A world record. Broken in 1997 by an accident-prone Englishman called Frank Spencer. As the doctor's cheeks coloured red with embarrassment, Sidnaceous bounced off his mother's stomach, over the edge of the bed and plummeted towards the floor. No need for concern. Not only did this kick-start his breathing but also, as Sidnaceous was still very much 'attached' to his mother, she was busy catching her second, third and fourth breaths. She didn't notice her newborn son dangling over the edge of the bed, swinging backwards and forwards like a pendulum. She was also unaware that Sidnaceous had just become the world's youngest bungee jumper.

The doctor, relieved  that no one seemed to have noticed the noise from his behind, stood up, scooped Sidnaceous into his arms, slipped, and shot out of sight under the bed. A millisecond later, flat on his black, still clutching Sidnaceous to his chest, the doctor skidded across the floow straight into the far wall. His head burst through the plaster into the adjoining room.

It was a toilet, being used at the time by an eight-six-year-old woman who had been admitted to the hospital with sever constipation. The sight of the doctor's jead and bulging eyes sticking through the wall caused her to immediately cure herself. The potent mix of poo fumes, shock and concussion resulted in the doctor going cross-eyed and losing consciousness. Understandably, he released his grip on Sidnaceous who catapulted back the way he had come.

The sudden and violent impact of Sid's small body reconnecting with his mother's large body caused her to sit bolt upright and, with a tired and bilious look on her face, she whispered wanly, 'Hello son', sicked all over him ... and fainted.